From someone who gets along with kids I confirm. If I had to pin it down to one pillar is the deep belief that most of them are fun to hang and interactions will leave you happier than before. Usually drives the rest in my case
I’ve never had kids of my own but I’ve always enjoyed their company. As I’ve grown older they keep me thinking and feeling younger.
My only problem has been with adults. Being a gay man one of the first reactions I’ve gotten from adults (but not parents as they know me) is that in playing with them I am somehow grooming them to be victims of pedophilia.
Thank-you for this piece; I have two grandchildren, ages 3 and 6, who play in their make believe world all the time. I have learned not to ask them questions about their day or their school, teacher, etc., but rather to enter into their make believe world at the moment. The reason for this change in my approach is due to their conditioning of me. They simply respond more enthusiastically to me when I enter their world, rather than the real one, especially the six year old boy. Whenever I would ask about school or swim class, he wouldn't even answer me! But as soon as I switched to talking to his chosen "character" at the time, he'd respond. I learned over time how to best interact with him.
You are SO right about the so often sterile "how was your day, love?" I still ask this question too often ; it's like a social thing engrained in your brain, like a "hi, how are you?" that isn't even a question, it comes out of your mouth automatically. Although yes, not one great conversation ever started like this with my kiddos. Thank you Sally.
I love this. I have strong memories of the adults in my childhood who spoke to me like I was an actual person. Unfortunately it was quite rare so they stand out. One memory is one of my dad's friends writing sentences for me in increasingly small handwriting to see if I could read them. It was a lot of fun 😂
By the way, I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and my publication is called A Woman Who Wanders. Are we Substack doppelgangers?? 😃
Isn't it incredibly sad to realize that there were just a handful of them...? Dang, this is clearly how I want to be remembered as an adult. Someone kids were happy to hang out with.
Haha, what a coincidence! I just subscribed to your publication, l look forward to see where our wanders lead us :)
Excellent points! I’m an ECE and teach people how to work effectively with children… Bandura’s Social Cognitive Learning Theory is nicely interwoven in your tips! High-five!
wow. I'm about 2 years late to the party, but I just found this and I have to say it's wonderful. My son has an uncanny ability to see people who are genuinely interested in him vs. people who are interested in what they think he should be. As a child with ASD, he's really intuitive about that stuff. I think so much of what you wrote here works for him. I want to forward it to my parents and my in-laws.
Thank you, Latham, I am glad it echoes with what you’re experiencing with your son. Yes, I think more people should pause and think about their automatic behaviours towards children. Can’t stop seeing them all around us!
Thank you, Or. Maybe talk to them like they understand every single thing you say. Countless times I've heard people talk about them as if they weren't there and/or couldn't understand. I am sure they can. More than the words they perceive the tone of our voice, the emotions in our eyes, our body language and so much more. Have fun :)
Using a normal voice and talking to them as if they are normal people and not stupid works wonders. I'm the kind of person kids instantly trust. Learn their names, quickly.
And they will hear about serious things in a shitty way elsewhere, so talking about tough stuff in a safe way which isn't condescending is invaluable.
Also, teach them things. They want to learn, to understand. Use words slightly more difficult than they are at the level of, and then explain them.
Thank you for these pieces of wisdom Inzilbêth, taking them all! You are absolutely right in how kids love to decipher new words slightly out of their reach.
They do! My brother left me alone with his daughter for 20 minutes, and when he came back she bragged to him that I had taught her five new words. I tend to pick one weird word of a concept, acoustics, irrelevant, or something of the like, and it becomes a theme and a running joke, using it in different and sometimes absurd contexts to the point where their understanding increases. My mother is a language teacher, so I'm sure I've picked it up from her.
(Decipher is a perfect example, stealing that for next time)
Another thing I've learned is to greet the adults first, then the kids. It makes them feel safe to first observe the relationship between the adults. It also establishes hierarchies of authority. And what you said about keeping your distance and not being forward with them to begin with, tracks majorly.
Your reflections on engaging with children resonate deeply and offer practical, heartfelt advice. Your insights into the common missteps and the simple yet profound ways to connect with kids are invaluable. Emphasizing the importance of treating children as individuals with their own sense of self is a reminder we all need.
Your tips, from using funny faces to letting kids take the lead in play, highlight the joy and learning that come from genuine interaction. The idea that engagement, not gifts, is what truly matters to children is a powerful message. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. This will undoubtedly help many navigate their relationships with kids more thoughtfully and joyfully.
Joy,plenitude,playfulness I can testify that I’ve experienced a good amount of this over my lifetime and greatly benefited from it. Thanks for your article with many good points, I’m now an older man with grandchildren and I’ve learned that engaging children is all about context. Especially important is your point on letting the child come to you. Also I look at every child through the lens of what I would think of another man engaging my granddaughter or grandson. It’s so sad that we have so many children around us who need loving adult interaction and affection. When we enter their enchanted world it’s almost magical, pure fun. Therapeutic for all. “Wisdom is the recovery of innocence at the far end of experience “ (David Bentley Hart)
From someone who gets along with kids I confirm. If I had to pin it down to one pillar is the deep belief that most of them are fun to hang and interactions will leave you happier than before. Usually drives the rest in my case
This is absolutely brilliant and SPOT ON! I'm even taking some tips for engaging with my own boy ❤️🙏
Oh, thank you Kaila <3 Means a lot.
I’ve never had kids of my own but I’ve always enjoyed their company. As I’ve grown older they keep me thinking and feeling younger.
My only problem has been with adults. Being a gay man one of the first reactions I’ve gotten from adults (but not parents as they know me) is that in playing with them I am somehow grooming them to be victims of pedophilia.
Kids are our eternal youth, 💯!!
Well, unfortunately yes, adults are sometimes lost causes 😅 Kids are so much easier and lovable.
Thank-you for this piece; I have two grandchildren, ages 3 and 6, who play in their make believe world all the time. I have learned not to ask them questions about their day or their school, teacher, etc., but rather to enter into their make believe world at the moment. The reason for this change in my approach is due to their conditioning of me. They simply respond more enthusiastically to me when I enter their world, rather than the real one, especially the six year old boy. Whenever I would ask about school or swim class, he wouldn't even answer me! But as soon as I switched to talking to his chosen "character" at the time, he'd respond. I learned over time how to best interact with him.
You are SO right about the so often sterile "how was your day, love?" I still ask this question too often ; it's like a social thing engrained in your brain, like a "hi, how are you?" that isn't even a question, it comes out of your mouth automatically. Although yes, not one great conversation ever started like this with my kiddos. Thank you Sally.
From someone who has been working with vulnerable and disadvantaged children for 20 years: this is a superb article.
I am moved to read this, Mohan. Thank you.
I love this. I have strong memories of the adults in my childhood who spoke to me like I was an actual person. Unfortunately it was quite rare so they stand out. One memory is one of my dad's friends writing sentences for me in increasingly small handwriting to see if I could read them. It was a lot of fun 😂
By the way, I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and my publication is called A Woman Who Wanders. Are we Substack doppelgangers?? 😃
Isn't it incredibly sad to realize that there were just a handful of them...? Dang, this is clearly how I want to be remembered as an adult. Someone kids were happy to hang out with.
Haha, what a coincidence! I just subscribed to your publication, l look forward to see where our wanders lead us :)
A delightful and insightful read. Great advice.
Thank you Lyn, I appreciate your words 🙏
Excellent points! I’m an ECE and teach people how to work effectively with children… Bandura’s Social Cognitive Learning Theory is nicely interwoven in your tips! High-five!
Thank you Tyler! I had no idea who Bandura was but now I have a good reason to check him out! Thank you for referring his work :)
Love this. One of the things that surprised me about parenthood was how much fun playing with my daughter is. 💕
Isn't it 🙃 It is so easy to get distracted from these beautiful moments, yet they are so fulfilling, so genuine. Thank you for your words, Meghan.
Helpful :) Thank you! And you didn't need mention improv to convince me :p
I try to apply this rule in many things in life, pretty efficient 👌 So, thank you!
wow. I'm about 2 years late to the party, but I just found this and I have to say it's wonderful. My son has an uncanny ability to see people who are genuinely interested in him vs. people who are interested in what they think he should be. As a child with ASD, he's really intuitive about that stuff. I think so much of what you wrote here works for him. I want to forward it to my parents and my in-laws.
Thank you, Latham, I am glad it echoes with what you’re experiencing with your son. Yes, I think more people should pause and think about their automatic behaviours towards children. Can’t stop seeing them all around us!
Beautiful piece! Thank you :) any advice on how to approach younger babies? Like a 1 year old. I find people tend to ignore them even more.
Thank you, Or. Maybe talk to them like they understand every single thing you say. Countless times I've heard people talk about them as if they weren't there and/or couldn't understand. I am sure they can. More than the words they perceive the tone of our voice, the emotions in our eyes, our body language and so much more. Have fun :)
Using a normal voice and talking to them as if they are normal people and not stupid works wonders. I'm the kind of person kids instantly trust. Learn their names, quickly.
And they will hear about serious things in a shitty way elsewhere, so talking about tough stuff in a safe way which isn't condescending is invaluable.
Also, teach them things. They want to learn, to understand. Use words slightly more difficult than they are at the level of, and then explain them.
Thank you for these pieces of wisdom Inzilbêth, taking them all! You are absolutely right in how kids love to decipher new words slightly out of their reach.
They do! My brother left me alone with his daughter for 20 minutes, and when he came back she bragged to him that I had taught her five new words. I tend to pick one weird word of a concept, acoustics, irrelevant, or something of the like, and it becomes a theme and a running joke, using it in different and sometimes absurd contexts to the point where their understanding increases. My mother is a language teacher, so I'm sure I've picked it up from her.
(Decipher is a perfect example, stealing that for next time)
Haha 😅 How old is your niece?
Old enough to know better.
Another thing I've learned is to greet the adults first, then the kids. It makes them feel safe to first observe the relationship between the adults. It also establishes hierarchies of authority. And what you said about keeping your distance and not being forward with them to begin with, tracks majorly.
Your reflections on engaging with children resonate deeply and offer practical, heartfelt advice. Your insights into the common missteps and the simple yet profound ways to connect with kids are invaluable. Emphasizing the importance of treating children as individuals with their own sense of self is a reminder we all need.
Your tips, from using funny faces to letting kids take the lead in play, highlight the joy and learning that come from genuine interaction. The idea that engagement, not gifts, is what truly matters to children is a powerful message. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. This will undoubtedly help many navigate their relationships with kids more thoughtfully and joyfully.
I hope this help. Thank you Mohsen, for the kind words.
Joy,plenitude,playfulness I can testify that I’ve experienced a good amount of this over my lifetime and greatly benefited from it. Thanks for your article with many good points, I’m now an older man with grandchildren and I’ve learned that engaging children is all about context. Especially important is your point on letting the child come to you. Also I look at every child through the lens of what I would think of another man engaging my granddaughter or grandson. It’s so sad that we have so many children around us who need loving adult interaction and affection. When we enter their enchanted world it’s almost magical, pure fun. Therapeutic for all. “Wisdom is the recovery of innocence at the far end of experience “ (David Bentley Hart)
Thanks for the wise words, Tom.
I think teens want to be heard. Ask questions--not too many though. Most ppl love to talk about themselves! Sabrinalabow.substack.com
We all do. You're right. Thank you Sabrina!