Getting Along With Kids

that ain't yours.

“Wow, you have a thing with kids, they really like you.”

Is there such a thing like being gifted with ‘getting-along-with-kids’?

I don’t think so. My experience witnessing how people - family, friends and complete strangers - interact with my kids (2 and 4 y/o) have made me pretty clear-sighted about how most people - and I was probably that person - get it wrong.

As a parent, as a human, I can’t truly appreciate a person who doesn’t give a damn about my kids when they’re around. Pretty simple. The same way I’d find it rude if they were ignoring my partner at a dinner, ignoring children - a very common behaviour - is something that profoundly irritates and saddens me.

I also know that most people are just clueless about how to engage with them. And the same way we tend to stay run (?) away from things that make us uncomfortable (mourning of others probably a top one), we assume that we’d be better off avoiding any kind of interaction.

a friend unaccustomed to kids

What if engaging with kids was a source of deep joy and plenitude? Children come with a pure, ingenuous will for playfulness that has so much to teach us, if we’re willing to.

On your marks, get seeeet, go!

intro • is a kid a human being yet?

OK, what if we started considering them for who they are: human beings with their own sense of self, carefully, unconsciously, watching us adults and learning how to behave from our crazy codes of conduct.

This little creature you easily look down on is a future you. - let this sink.

So here are common behaviours I noticed from people who “get-along-with-kids”:

1 • use the oldest icebreaker of all times: funny faces

How boring are we, adults, with our serious faces and looks. How about we stop taking ourselves so seriously? The stupid, funny face is telling a kid “Yo! We aren’t all boring, little one!”.

So smiling’s the trick? Yes! And - bam! - one of those things in life that are free and extremely rewarding. Even when the person you smile at doesn’t mimetically reply back, you’ll have shared positive vibes. Good karma. Works with adults, works with kids.

And hey, remember, you ain’t the authority - someone else is - so relax!

2 • let kids come at you

People who are the best with children tend to all keep their distance at first. They aren’t trying to force contact or anything. Giving kids space and time to make friends, especially when they just woke up (adults aren’t so different, are we?). Be patient. It’s a dance.

3 • enquire about them (and speak like… normally)

People who “get-along-with-kids” also enquire like they actually care about the child, how their day was so far, the kind of food they love most, the name of their best friends, their favorite animal… It doesn’t matter how old the child is and whether they can verbally express -yet - all the things they want to say. Eye contact. Consideration. Empathy. You can’t imagine how kids appreciate people truly engaging with them.

Oh, and kids are not stupid - generally. So why use that silly voice? Try it with an adult you meet for the first time, not sure how well they’ll engage!

4 • make room for astonishment

People who “get-along-with-kids” are convinced they can learn something from every single interaction with a kid, be it an activity, a song, a story, a game,… Genuine questions. Humility. Astonishment.

We all know too well how great it feels to be asked questions, to be listened to, and to even trigger a reaction: “noooo way?!”, “seriously?!”

5 • enter their game, follow their lead

More often than not, kids won’t need us adult to come up with ideas to play. Which doesn’t necessarily mean they want to play solo. A sincere “can I play with you?” will sometimes surprise them - I love their face when this happens! - for the best. Try it, you’ll see.

And just like improv’ teaches us - or so I am told -, all in for continuity: “Yes! And…” It is counterintuitive yet beautiful to let children take the lead. They have an intact creativity that our control-freak minds should be learning from. Not the other way round.

Only when things become dangerous (e.g. getting too close to road traffic) or inappropriate (e.g. saying something mean), should we break the playing flow.

6 • go all in

You’re at a café, catching up with a friend. You’re really into the conversation. Suddenly, your friend takes her phone, and… disengage. How do you feel? Pissed. Miserable. Disappointed. Not considered. Not worth their time. Sad.

How could that be any different from a child’s perspective? You’re there, talking, playing, and suddenly, a thought, a social interaction, a chore, a notification gets in the way. Telling the kids: “hold on, there is something more important than you right now.”

Kids won’t like us because we bring along expensive or fancy gifts. They’ll love being with us because we engage, because we are in, 100%.

A survey run by LEGO in 2018¹ revealed that 81% of kids wished their parents would play with them more. And what’s true with parent’s true with adults in general.

Given the positive effects it has on our wellbeing and happiness levels, family play should be the most important ‘homework’ of all. - says family expert and author, Jessica Joelle Alexander

7 • let go

Of our self-control, of our inhibition. How refreshing it feels to play with kids, allowing ourselves to be someone else for a moment, someone ten times younger.

So yes, I chase imaginary platypuses at the parc. I sail a bed-boat. I order and savour the only available meal - pasta-pesto - from the 3 y/o best chef in town.

I miss playing, and I see kids as a beautiful opportunity to reconnect with play. How about we drop that fear of finding fancy stuff to do and rather let go, give in to unstructured, random and imaginary play?

Inspired by the findings, the report suggests 10 principles for families to consider when playing together. These include encouraging less structured play, embracing mistakes and gamifying household chores.

8 • kiss & cuddle... if kids ask for it

This one’s a bit tricky for me, I still tend to tell my kids “go give a kiss to [insert name of guest]”. Immediately after, I feel awkward and try to backpedal. I was raised having to give kisses and cuddles to adults. While I never really felt forced to do so with my grandparents, with strangers it kinda felt weird at times.

No one tells us adults who to kiss or hug. We do it when we feel like it. How should that be any different for children? If they are not being heard, the message we’re sending is “we don’t give a damn”. Is that how we teach consent?

9 • don’t take it too seriously

I have witnessed adults getting offended with a ‘violent’ gesture or word and taking that opportunity to ‘educate’ the child. Too often, these people tend to work on the assumption that the kid’s having bad intentions, that they’re being mean.

In most cases, I don’t believe kids are intentionally violent. They experiment. A firm “come on, this ain’t nice, you know” and then back to playing often suffices to make them stop and move on to something else. Making a case out of each misbehaviour only emphasises a gap where they can run into to piss you off. They’re experimenting, remember?

***

In a nutshell, children are people. It’s about time we start acknowledging their presence. Or else what conclusions will they be learning from watching us?

I am not sure for whom I have been writing all this. For me, most probably. For the already talented people (thank you ♥️), and the less skilled, too. For the friends and people out there seeking a way to engage with kids. I hope this will help, I hope this will trigger discussions.

Yours,

Mathilde

NB: While I found that the above have worked really well with kids aged ~1 to 8 y/o… I personally still freeze with teenagers, so any tips welcome! 🙃

1. A global study on play by the LEGO Group, which presents parent and child perceptions on the benefits of family play, children's play preferences, future-oriented skills, digital child safety, and learning through play. All findings from the report, unless otherwise referenced, were gathered from a total of 9,249 parents with children aged 1.5-12 years old, and 3,723 children aged 5-12 through a 20 minute online quantitative survey conducted across nine markets (China, Denmark, France, Germany, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, United Kingdom and United States of America) between February and March 2018.